


i'm falling to pieces

by sansiva1203



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-10-11 11:25:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17446049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sansiva1203/pseuds/sansiva1203
Summary: a very poetic (i'd like to think) monologue for fifth-year baz. point of view is kind of screwed up but it sounds cool enough. trigger warning for mentions of mental illnesses





	i'm falling to pieces

**Author's Note:**

> title from breakeven by the script

he wasn’t supposed to be this way.

hadn’t he disappointed his mother enough?

was the deadness not enough? need he really be of the ~homosexual variety~?

yet however much he tried to resist, the thoughts came drifting back, like clouds floating across the sky.

 

-

 

fifteen is a hard time in anyone’s life, regardless of sex or race or class. you suffer whether you’re gay or straight or white or black or a girl or a boy or something in between.

 

you suffer through the monotonous grind of school and work and trying so hard just to get out of bed, if you even have a warm one to sleep at night. you suffer day after day, week after week, semester after goddamn semester, until all the days blend together and you can’t tell the difference between november and march and you start to wonder:

 

why am i even fucking here?

 

wouldn’t this godforsaken hell of an earth be better without me?

 

and sometimes you get help.

 

(fucking trixie’s parents got her depression meds specially crafted for pixies.)

 

and sometimes you have to self-medicate.

 

-

 

he doesn’t sleep. granted, the goddamn sun he lives with doesn’t sleep much either, but the saviour’s got this quality to him.

 

so unique, so magnificent, so extraordinary that it could be juxtaposed with his perfectly ordinary, boring, blue eyes.

 

( _merlin,_ those eyes.)

 

but this quality makes him an unstoppable force. he could never be held back by something as simple as sleep deprivation.

 

but our boy in question is not unstoppable.

 

sure, he’s top of the class, and he is a fucking _god_ on the football field, but he’s not indestructable, no.

 

all it takes to break him is a pair perfectly ordinary blue eyes. a smattering of moles across the face. golden curls spilling down the head. a crooked smile that reaches the eyes, but is never directed at him.

 

how could it be? he can’t tell anyone. can’t show a sign of weakness, an ounce of kindness, a measly scrap of humanity.

 

can’t say or do anything that might give it away.

 

why did he have to be this way?

 

isn’t he fucked up enough?


End file.
